Once upon a time, there was a TV show that aired on ABC that pitted the stars of the three major television networks (CBS, NBC, and ABC) against each other in an athletic competition that featured games like Tug of War, 3-on-3 touch football, and tandem bicycle races. This incredible show was called Battle of the Network Stars and 19 installments of it ran from 1976 to 1988. The show was hosted by legendary announcer Howard Cosell and always had a cohost that was a fellow Network Star. And after viewing an episode over Thanksgiving weekend, I’m convinced this was the best show of the 1980’s.
I have only heard of this show after Bill Simmons wrote about the infamous Kaplan-Conrad race of 1976, so when I saw on Twitter that there was going to be a marathon of BONS, I had no other choice but to watch it. Here’s what transpired over those two hours as I watched the 14th and 15th installments of the greatest show nobody remembers presented through bullet points because I was far too excited to write coherent notes during the telecast:
· Heather Locklear is an absolute beast at track. Apparently, according to Cosell, she was a Junior Olympian. Any who, it was one of the biggest surprises of the day when she burned the field to give ABC the victory.
· Perhaps even more surprising, the network star with the whitest name in the competition, Bill Moses, was by far the best athlete in the whole competition. After absolutely dominating the swimming relays he said possibly the biggest lie in television history: “I guess I just grew up swimming”. Everybody obviously knows you were created by Russian scientists to make the Americans look bad. Duh. Mr. Moses dominated each event he entered, other than the Tug of War, where his teammates failed him by not being Bill Moses.
· Let’s talk about Mr. T. The man is incredible. First, he taunts Heather Thomas from the Dunk Tank by saying there’s no way she can dunk him and his “waterproof” doll. Naturally, Thomas nails the target and dunks Mr. T as he points out from underwater that the plastic version of him did not, in fact, disintegrate. For the next attempt, Mr. T tapes said doll to the target as a way to antagonize Ms. Thomas and to make sure he doesn’t get dunked. Again, his plan fails as Thomas hits the target square on and after a moment, Mr. T goes down.
Later on, Mr. T achieved what was once thought impossible: He got onto the front seat of a tandem bicycle without it either a) flipping over and b) not cracking the frame in half. His team’s embarrassing performance in the Tug of War really said all it could about Mr. T’s place on the Battle of the Network Stars: Not the right competition to utilize his talents and his enormous frame. Still, I’ve never been more proud of a Chicagoan than Mr. T in these games. He’s a real champ.
· William Shatner is quite possibly the worst quarterback I have ever seen. Like 2012 Kansas City Chiefs Starting QB bad. “Bill”, as Howard Cosell called him, threw pick after pick while the other team was throwing TD passes with ease. He is truly a disgrace by even being in the presence of all of the aforementioned great athletes. Shatner deserves a lifetime term of doing terrible Priceline commercials.
· The biggest revelation of the whole show was how beautiful Heather Lochlear and Heather Thomas were back in the day. I thought they only really good-looking girl from that era was Ferris Buehler’s girlfriend. Total surprise that was the cherry on top for this great show.
What really depresses me about Battle of the Network Stars is that there is no motivation for something like this to ever air today. Stars are paid FAR too much money to risk their image by competing in a bunch of silly games. Of course, Shatner would be all for this idea still because he could really care less about people think of him. He already knows he sucks.
I have only heard of this show after Bill Simmons wrote about the infamous Kaplan-Conrad race of 1976, so when I saw on Twitter that there was going to be a marathon of BONS, I had no other choice but to watch it. Here’s what transpired over those two hours as I watched the 14th and 15th installments of the greatest show nobody remembers presented through bullet points because I was far too excited to write coherent notes during the telecast:
· Heather Locklear is an absolute beast at track. Apparently, according to Cosell, she was a Junior Olympian. Any who, it was one of the biggest surprises of the day when she burned the field to give ABC the victory.
· Perhaps even more surprising, the network star with the whitest name in the competition, Bill Moses, was by far the best athlete in the whole competition. After absolutely dominating the swimming relays he said possibly the biggest lie in television history: “I guess I just grew up swimming”. Everybody obviously knows you were created by Russian scientists to make the Americans look bad. Duh. Mr. Moses dominated each event he entered, other than the Tug of War, where his teammates failed him by not being Bill Moses.
· Let’s talk about Mr. T. The man is incredible. First, he taunts Heather Thomas from the Dunk Tank by saying there’s no way she can dunk him and his “waterproof” doll. Naturally, Thomas nails the target and dunks Mr. T as he points out from underwater that the plastic version of him did not, in fact, disintegrate. For the next attempt, Mr. T tapes said doll to the target as a way to antagonize Ms. Thomas and to make sure he doesn’t get dunked. Again, his plan fails as Thomas hits the target square on and after a moment, Mr. T goes down.
Later on, Mr. T achieved what was once thought impossible: He got onto the front seat of a tandem bicycle without it either a) flipping over and b) not cracking the frame in half. His team’s embarrassing performance in the Tug of War really said all it could about Mr. T’s place on the Battle of the Network Stars: Not the right competition to utilize his talents and his enormous frame. Still, I’ve never been more proud of a Chicagoan than Mr. T in these games. He’s a real champ.
· William Shatner is quite possibly the worst quarterback I have ever seen. Like 2012 Kansas City Chiefs Starting QB bad. “Bill”, as Howard Cosell called him, threw pick after pick while the other team was throwing TD passes with ease. He is truly a disgrace by even being in the presence of all of the aforementioned great athletes. Shatner deserves a lifetime term of doing terrible Priceline commercials.
· The biggest revelation of the whole show was how beautiful Heather Lochlear and Heather Thomas were back in the day. I thought they only really good-looking girl from that era was Ferris Buehler’s girlfriend. Total surprise that was the cherry on top for this great show.
What really depresses me about Battle of the Network Stars is that there is no motivation for something like this to ever air today. Stars are paid FAR too much money to risk their image by competing in a bunch of silly games. Of course, Shatner would be all for this idea still because he could really care less about people think of him. He already knows he sucks.